A mother's instinct, your gut feeling, the heart racing, a gulp of worry, whatever your dictionary defines it as, is real. Some call it a calling & become psychics. Some are psycho & label others that are blessed with it as paranoid. Common sense calls it your conscience. Faith uses it as a tool to turn the lost into believers.

    I was 32 years old before I fully accepted that my 6th sense was real; before I realized that my gut feeling was right (99 % of the time). I had hardly slept in a week. My energy was zero & the world felt like it was a thousand miles away. I knew something was wrong. By the next Sunday, even my husband felt lost. We checked on our brothers (always fear that the "black sheep" would get into trouble that they could not get out of). But, this time was different. It was that afternoon that I received the text. One week after I had hugged her for the last time. 36 hours after I had checked on her health & received "She is the same". Only a day later, she was dying.

    A week prior, I knew something was not right. I saw the whites completely surrounding her eyes (a sign my father-in-law had talked about numerous times indicating death was near). But, she was a baby. She was eating icecream & wanting to play; only she could not walk. Something told me to take pics. Only, my camera was in the car in the garage & the battery was dead. But, something kept telling me to go get it. She was pale but her gums were pink & tongue was moist. She looked swollen, her face was puffy. Her heart rate was pounding but breathing was not labored. She cried to stay. She said "CiCi". I loved her with goodbyes but had no idea that I would never see her again; not alive. I recommended she be assessed at the MD promptly just to make sure nothing more was wrong (than her "injury"). It was not until I read the medical records (weeks later) that I knew.

    Telephone banking is time-saving, convenient & relatively safe. Telephone "doctoring" is far from safe. If only I had known, I would have, could have, should have. But, I did not know; at least not consciously. However, subconsciously, my heart, mind, soul, & gut had been telling me for days that something was not right.

    My 6th sense woke me up @ 3AM today. I tossed & turned until the hubby had to get up for work. I dreamed all night long & my gut did not like my dreams. Ironically, as we had breakfast together, Davey shared a bad dream that he had. My conscious mind did not want to remember what kept waking me up but bits & pieces intermittently came to light as we talked. The people in the dream are historical. They are people whom I hold close to my heart but who may speak one moment then treat me like a stranger a week later (depending on which cliche may be present at that moment). The people in the dream did not worry me as much as the people who were missing in the dream. Why were they not there? I will not lose any more sleep over a crazy dream; but, I will discreetly check on each person that was locked in my thoughts enough to remember them & the gut feeling I am fighting. I do not care if the person on the other end turns their nose up, rolls their eyes or blows me off. I am still praying for them & even more if and/or when they get the news, experience their loss, or face a battle; or even worse, I will still pray for their loved ones left here on earth.

    6th senses are not always a bad thing. They can be great feelings. They can be signs of awesome things about to happen. They can be a positive reinforcement. They can assure you of making the right decisions & sway you from making the wrong ones. It can make your day or save your life (or somebody else's). They can also hurt you like you have never been hurt before.

    It hurts to realize a heart-stabbing reality after years or even decades of living somebody's lie. We can ignore it, fight it, try to change it, pretend we do not feel it. But, if we need to feel it, need to accept it, then eventually we have to.

    6th senses can be a blessing for others as well as yourself. What you see or feel can affect many more than just you. As a nurse, my "OCD" is a lifesaver, literally. No boasting intended & no rewards expected. My gut may have a skinny waistline (BC of my high metabolism & non-stop itinerary) but my gut is also constantly churning & I know now not to ever ignore it. Worry is a sin; but listening to your inner spirit (conscience) is a test of faith. The devil is always working hard to sway us. But, there is a fine line between his advocates giving you negative thoughts & the Holy Spirit talking to you through your heart. Simpy having a conscience is a gift. The evidence of the number of cold hearts or lost souls is endless. The elementary terms would be: selfish, greedy, heartless. I wonder if all of the injected foods & cancer-causing toxins are wiping out consciences faster than making 3rd graders have boobs bigger than me!

    The painful side effects of having a conscience, 6th sense, loving heart, selfless soul (whatever your heart desires to call it) is having the ability to see the ones who do not. The hurt of knowing what is fake & what is real; the reality of accepting who really cares & the fact that the majority really does not give a rip. However, it is real & one thing is for sure: the old fashioned "go with your gut" still stands today... although common sense & the ability of others to "put themselves in another's shoes" is now endangered species of the human characteristics. Consciences are becoming extinct. If we are lucky enough to still have such a rare jewel, we must take good care of it & make it shine. Let the beautiful side of it reflect positivity & eliminate the glare that oily fingers & dirt can cause.

    In a nut shell, go with your gut. My gut works like clock work. Looking back, it is approximately 48 hours of "anxiety" before the "big reveal". Sometimes, the heart drops immediately at the onset of chaos. Professionally, my gut never ceases. Personally, it all depends on how much my mind wants to block out or be in denial of. I could write for days about each gut feeling & the outcome. People have become so predictable that surprises are seldom. I wish I did not have to feel reality so much.. I wish I was wrong more often. I wish I could be oblivious to my surroundings. I wish I was ignorant about reading people. Most of all, I was my 6th sense was wrong more than it was right.

"We missed y'all today"... is what I was told last night. Apparently, our niece was dedicated to a church yesterday morning. Apparently, the nursing home had an event for grandparents that afternoon. Apparently, relatives had come from out of town & apparently there was a cookout to follow. Obviously, my children, husband, nor I were invited & definitely had no knowledge of such events. The most pathetic excuse, "I thought your priority was being closer to your husband's work". Yes, my husband is an engineer & yes, we are blessed that he has a great job. The catch: he does not work on Sundays. He travels all week long. He works long days & has sleepless nights with fatigued mornings in order to provide for our family. But, what does his work schedule have to do with excluding our family? NOTHING. Nothing at all. There was great effort made to include people who live states away (no harm intended to the innocent bystanders). Yet, we have been around the local members daily (in fact, we just entertained the SC host for Labor Day with a cookout) & not once were we even whispered a word of knowledge related to any of the scheduled functions. It would not matter if we were in Japan, families usually share the good news. Right? WRONG. People are quick to assume, perceive & pass judgement. People are effortless when it comes to passing along negativity & criticizing others. But, who wants to share good news? Who wants others to feel loved & wanted? Who wants the world to be happy? Who truely wishes for peace? Who sincerely cares for others? Who commits selfless acts of kindness & expects nothing in return? Family, right? WRONG. Family is under-rated. Family is not about blood; in fact, most make it about money. Family is about love. Family is about acceptance. Family is not a competition. Family is not a beauty pageant. Family is a gift; but the receivers must appreciate the value which is priceless & few seldom get over themselves to see past their own greed to even acknowledge how lucky they are to even have the option. Family is a blessing; not a curse. Family is not who you came from but where you want to be. Family is not a color or a race. Family is not a culture or a cliche. Family is not a group at all as a matter of fact. Family is a feeling of love, hope, support & encouragement. Family is knowing that you are not alone. Family is never being alone. Family is happy & together when sad. Family is hugs, laughter & smiles. Family is tears of happiness, joy & sadness but always a shoulder to catch them on. Family is dancing in the rain, shining in the spotlights & praising in the storms together. Family never leaves you. Family will always be there. Family loves you for who you are. Family does not use you when you are capable of giving yet abuse you when you are wiped out. Family is rare. Family is not about blood at all. This is one of many times my uniquely blended family has been excluded (aka: shunned). It is not elementary to me. It is amazing how you are loved when you are financially healthy. I was the "popular girl" (as my daughters call them via the TV) when I was sending everybody on vacations & entertaining for each holiday, birthday, & milestone event. Yet, I became physically impaired with a chronic illness & my income decreased & voila, I am now "sitting at the lunch table in the cafeteria for the 'unpopular kids'". Just because I am battling a stupid illness that is rated higher on the McGill pain scale than natural childbirth & cancer does NOT mean that I can not breathe. Just because my physical restrictions prevent me from riding roller coasters does mean that I can not walk or talk. Just because I can not pull back on a 50 pound bow anymore does not mean that I can not shoot a target (or an idiot lol)! Just because I get tired more easily does not mean that I do not have feelings. Just because my immune system is delicate does not mean that I can not be around people. If I am quiet, I probably am trying to meditate without being called crazy. Just because I sit a funny way does not mean I am showing negative body language: it is because I am trying to show respect with undivided attention while sitting in a chair that is causing sharp burning stabbing pain from my scapula up thru the back of my head causing me to be incapacitated for the next 4-36 hours if I do not find a hard floor to stretch my spine out on ASAP. Mood swings? Why don't you try having a "toothache" in your thoracic cavity for 5+ years & every accessory muscle attached to your C-Spine ripped down the belly only to be in constant spasm endlessly. Ever had a Charlie horse or pulled muscle from weight lifting? Try having it all on the right side of your body for the rest of your life. Try having to have assistance every time you go grocery shopping. Try crying every time your babies tap you on the shoulder. Try fighting an illness that nobody understands. Try being told "we never thought you would make it this far" by your medical team yet being told by your own mother, "well, I have hurt for 30 years". Try never complaining, never being asked if you are ok yet always being talked about, lied about & slandered by the ones that are supposed to be family. Try being praised for saving lives & birthing babies but ridiculed for being a mother & a grandmother. Try almost dying, literally, by letting those same people make you feel as if you are not doing enough. Even tho you exceed your physical limitations daily, work even tho nobody with your disease works; in fact, it is automatic protocol to give up your career & settle for disability. But, NO, I fought & fought for almost SIX YEARS and nobody stopped me. Nobody said slow down, you are not supposed to be doing that, let me help, what can I do. Not anybody anyways who was automatically qualified by meeting the stereotypical "family criteria". The few that acknowledged my body was withering away & intervened my life before I lost it, thank you. The ones who were brainwashed were shielded from the reality of my struggles by the ones who wanted me to be left to suffer. They wanted me to die. Well, I am not dead. I am very much alive. My blood is still pumping to my heart & what family I do have may or may not share the same blood; but we share our hearts.

He was a senior in highschool. I was a single mother of 2 in college. He was leaving for college in the fall; moving 6 hours away. I was working & in college while raising my precious angels. A decade went by without ever seeing him. One night changed my entire life. When those blue eyes & curly hair walked by, I thought somebody had slipped smthn in my drink! I thought I must be seeing things! I froze. Picked my heart up out of my stomach & carried my legs over to find out if what I was seeing was real. Later he told me that as soon as he heard my voice call his name he knew. All of those years I thought his voice was the most beautiful sound that I would never hear again...all the while, he had always cherished mine as well. The timing was bad again; but yet, it was a beautiful disaster. We were both in "complicated relationships" as Facebook would label it. We briefly caught up on 10 years in about 2 mins & said our goodbyes... I thought it would be another decade waiting to hear his voice again. I was wrong. Later I learned that his "date" that night was a rebound desperation & he learned that my already "complicated relationship" had become an abusive one. FYI: domestic violence IS real & any object thrown to cause harm & bust capillaries causing pain & bruises IS CDV. I had been abused much worse in the past. But, I made a promise to myself & my children to NEVER condone it again. That night was the beginning of the end of my complicated relationship. Yet, it was not the end of the abuse; not yet. Psychological, emotional, physical & sexual are all forms of abuse. The humiliation was escalating & my self worth was deteriorating. By the time I finally started my life over AGAIN, I was pretty defiant when it came to men & especially relationships. "Hard to get" is an understatement. "Boyfriend" was not allowed in my vocabulary. I adamantly refused to even say the words "committed", "relationship" or especially "marriage". Period. Davey eventually moved back to town. It was awesome having my best friend living in almost walking distance away! But, to this day, he says I gave him H-E-"double hockey sticks"! I think at one time he feared I may even stop liking men lol! It is crazy BC after my 1st divorce, the MD's would giggle at we nurses conferencing about "finding Christie a new husband"... even had one try to set me up with his bestie cardiologist. But, this time was different. I knew I had a best friend who I could spend the rest of my life with & I was scared to death. I was scared of being hurt but I was also scared of losing him before he was even mine to lose. I think my parents were scared I would say "NO" the night Davey was going to propose. He was a perfect gentleman. He had already taken Mama & Daddy out for dinner & asked for their permission & blessings well before he asked me to a romantic dinner. His timing was perfect although he admitted later he was scared to death. He had arranged the entire evening. The chef had a bottle of wine chilled @ our table (we had the entire dining room to ourselves); gourmet meal courses served at perfect intervals & banana fosters to top off the unforgettable night after I said YES! Although our timing was off for 12 years.... God's timing is always perfect! We just remind ourselves that those wasted years were what made us who we are today. The time apart makes us appreciate each other & remind us that a decade is too much time to lose again. The hard times made us stronger. The failed relationships taught us how to pass our love life test with flying colors. The years lost remind us to not ever waste another moment. Last, but not least, without that lost time, we would not have all of our awesome children & grandchild(ren). Everything happens for a reason. We may not understand it at the time, but we are not supposed to question. Just sit back, tighten your seat belts, & hang on for the roller coaster of life! Live each moment like there is no tomorrow. Time is precious & timing is everything.